(Long. You may wanna save it for later)
I've grown too safe. And the safety is killing me.
I can't count the times I have declined doing something (like taking up long-boarding), going somewhere (like joining friends to a concert), starting something (like painting series) out of the concern that it would be pointless and simply a waste of my time. "I'm too old for this shit." I would say. "What's the point?"
Instead, I stay snug at home, and do an encore of the familiar.
* * *
I'm thinking my life over, and realizing that I've grown too worried about disappointing myself and everyone else. The real disappointment though is in averting those new experiences.
In trying to be too careful with my life, I'm missing out on living.
When I got older, I thought I knew myself better. I got pickier. But there's a sneaky point where pickiness started to hurt me. My life has becomes about exclusion: "Not my thing"; "Not my type." But look who's ended up alone!
* * *
Ok. So, without engagement, I guarantee myself no disappointment. I also guarantee myself no added wealth to my repertoire. For example:
I won't pick up the guitar because no matter how much time I put in, I'll suck. I'll never sound like Clapton.
I won't study that new language, because there is no one to speak it with; it's useless.
I won't get out of my way to make new work; it costs a fortune and there is a huge chance no one will like it.
This is 100% guarantee you'll get better at NOTHING.
FUCK. THAT. SHIT.
I say pick up that guitar and spend a month trying. Who knows. Worst case scenario, you'll put it back and say, well, I now know how hard it is to play the guitar. You'll appreciate the process, and you will appreciate everyone who's picked up - if not mastered - the instrument. You'll know something because you tasted it. Life will be a little less dull.
Imagine now that you end up actually sounding good.
Bon fires. Sing alongs. Maybe a record.
Clapton wasn't born with a guitar in hand, you know.
* * *
Note to self: We've been programmed to be so result-oriented. We've idolized the trophies and the champions in such a way that prohibits the rest of us from even trying. We've grown too shy to attempt, and too scared to fail. When we gave in to that, we've mastered one thing: apathy. Why live like that, when it's all about the journey, silly?